Monday, May 24, 2010
Dear Teddy Roosevelt,
I want to be famous and for everyone to love me, but I don't want to see people. Is that possible? I'd prefer total isolation. I can interact with the world, but it cannot touch me.
I'm 29 years old and I already made my big push at life. I failed dramatically. Teddy, you told me it was better to dare mighty things even though I might fail. Screw you Teddy, you were wrong. I let a lot of people down. And this is who I am now. I'm a failure.
Everywhere I go I hear the questions that people aren't asking. I see them in their eyes. They say they love me but I can hardly handle the disappointment on their faces.
I'm an approval addict Teddy. This is why I feel compelled to retreat from the world of shame that I'm drowning in. No more relationships. No more acquaintances. No more public persona.
The problem is, I'm still an approval addict. I desperately want people to love, respect, and admire me. I'd do almost anything to be known and to be liked. Were you an addict Mr. President?
This is why I'm starting a blog Teddy. It's my attempt at connecting with the world. It's my stage. It's a platform where I can speak to the void. I can convince myself that I'm influencing something. I can impress - maybe. Write - freely. I can be likable - occasionally. Lovable - hopefully. Redemptive? - doubtful.
But at least it's safe. I cannot be looked at with those eyes. I can censor posts that hurt my feelings. I'm in control and the world cannot wound me anymore. Not again. No more risk taking. No more failing.
Here I am Teddy Roosevelt, one of those poor timid souls living in that grey twilight that you talked about. I've known victory and I've known defeat Teddy, and at least for a while I'll take the twilight.