Saturday, June 19, 2010

Access Denied

Maybe this blog should be private? Call me crazy, but prior to this week I didn't consider the fact that these entries could discourage others. Evidently I've been so narcissistic that I failed to notice the potential repercussions. I see it now and I'm really sorry!

I didn't expect people to read this and think, "this depressed guy is a genius; I will now adjust my thinking accordingly." I assumed my foolishness was self-evident. I thought people would laugh at me, remember having similar thoughts, and hope I get over myself soon. What I failed to realize is that my logic might actually resonate with other depressed and/or dumb people.

Are there really people out there who think I make sense? Listen, if you are reading this, and agree with me even a little, please stop reading. I'm a fool. Nothing I say is true. And if you take me at face value rather than as the loony that I am, you will certainly destroy your life. Don't listen to me. Seriously. Stop reading this now. Are you still here?

Some smart people suggested a private blog instead. I'm not sure how that works, but supposedly I could give select people reading access. It sounds kind of cool. Like an exclusive club for VIPs who want to commiserate with me. We could name it something snobby and act important. We'd have luncheons at bookstores on the second Thursday of every month. But I'd probably just approve everyone.

Unless I created an application! People would be required to write an essay about why they think I'm an idiot and how they're prepared to protect their minds against my immature nonsense. I think I'm on to something. Wait, is this like narcissism in reverse?

Seriously though, I wonder if I should go private. I don't want to hurt people. It would break my heart if my wilderness gave some well-intentioned soul a license to justify their own crap. Wouldn't that earn me a mill-stone-scuba-diving-trip or something?

Or maybe it's possible to censor myself instead? I could avoid suggesting absurdities like anarchy, atheism, and the right to life and liberty. At the very least it could be like the Psalms, where David mulls suicidal, murderous, and blasphemous thoughts before reminding himself of God's goodness. God doesn't seem to mind people reading Psalms, and I don't want to kill anyone anyway.

But David's dead now. Maybe the private blog proponents aren't as concerned about how others will be influenced as they are about how silly I look. Maybe they just love me and want to protect me from flagellating myself in front of the world. Hmm.

Either way, it's something I'm thinking about. Consider yourself warned. And start drafting those applications about my stupidity. 500 word minimum, and no, you can't just write "you're stupid" 250 times.


  1. there u go again. taking urself too damned seriously.

  2. I am pretty sure we have the freedom of speech in the USA, relatively speaking. Do you have have to be pc even when you're writing a blog, due to not offend or upset anyone? Seriously? What happened to authentic communication? Can we be open in our struggles and trials without being condemned for it? If someone doesn't like what you are saying they don't have to read it, that's the beauty of choices. In the words of Indianan Jones, "Don't look at it! Shut your eyes and don't look at it, no matter what!" if it causes you to negatively relate or something. Don't make it a private blog, that's ridiculous. Keep those fingers loose, limber and ready for typing!

  3. I agree with Jordan, what people interperate from what you say is not your fault. It's also not your fault that some people might get offended, upset, or even put off by what you write. If you write with sincerity then no one can take what you write away from you. It's your story for people to read, not their's. Love you man!

  4. yeah, we shouldn't think about what we're saying at all. let's just write whatever we want, regardless of any consequences on other people. that is like so totally authentic.

    p.s. that was sarcastic.

  5. Leave it to at least one stupid person to make you think that you would warp their minds with your own personal thoughts and situation. Tip number one: don't listen to stupid people and then you won't have nonsense thoughts in your head about "going private" or whatever. Keep typing!

  6. why does choosing to 'think' before speaking have to be counted as stupid? Solomon said, 'a man of knowledge uses words with restraint'. i think Matt should keep blogging, but it makes sense that he would think through how it will affect others first - which i think he does.

  7. I'm not sure that authenticity is a blank check. I can be authentic and still be careful about how my freedom (of speech or otherwise) affects others. Limiting my freedom to protect others is love. (1 Cor 8:9-13; 10:23-33)

    What would I think of a father who came home and would gather his children together to tell them every sexually devious thought he had that day and every emotional longing he had to leave his wife or be with another woman? He is being completely authentic but not loving.

    Are his children stupid for being hurt or warped by his personal thoughts and situation? No, they are just weak, immature, unable yet to protect themselves from that because of his role in their live. And this is true whether they are 3 years old or 30.

    How about when I have a doubt about God being real? Should I gather my young children to announce that to them also? How about when I feel bitter towards another person? Should I vomit that all over my kids? No, there is a place that is appropriate to fully express myself but it is not every place. Why? Because of love.

    There are "weak" people in the world. God has given Matt a "father-role" in some of their lives. These are exactly the questions Matt should be asking as he walks in love. I don't know the answers, but please don't shame him for being willing to sacrifice his personal freedom to love people.

  8. Just curious. Does that mean if Matt, or anyone, is a person with influence in others' lives, they shouldn't consider what they say and how they may be misunderstood, interpreted, or influence others? For instance, there are some things that I COULD say that I think should be reserved for just my wife, close friends and God. Some of those thoughts and ideas could be grossly misunderstood if told to people who don't know me. I think that's part of what Anonymous is saying. And the passages mentioned above in Cor. and Prov. are not referring to children.

    That said, Matt, I'm proud of you for seriously thinking about your influence. I, for one, don't think you are stupid or a failure. And I certainly don't think the things you've said are from a fool, or don't make sense. On the contrary, much of what you say DOES make sense to many of us because it is honest and open, especially for those of us who know you.

    Whatever you choose to think, you ARE a person of influence & character. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you and Danielle next!

  9. There is something ironic about commenting anonymously on a blog post having to do with exposing too much. I'm not criticizing those who have done this, but it is definitely part of their comment and not just a reference.

    I prefer the raw side of life - less filtered, less tame. It's good to ask the questions about what not to say (I married up so i ask my wife's opinion frequently). I've also had to make a lot of apologies as i learn to navigate the path of authentic communication.

    In fact I probably owe our Anonymous colleagues an apology now . . . . forgive me, I'm sorry.

  10. Matt, I'm just really glad you're writing, because this way, I get to know how you're doing. I really care about you a lot. I don't usually know how to make comments, or if there's anything I can really say that would help. So, despite all the things I wish I could tell you, I just want you to know that I'm praying, and that I miss you and Danielle so much.

    Love you. And thanks.

  11. ps. I found this from one of your other blogs. In case you forget why you're doing what you're doing:

    "That's why blogging is becoming remarkably therapeutic for me. I'm letting the ugliness of my heart out and forcing myself not to fret about other people's reactions. It's hard work for me not to obsess about what people are thinking when they read these entries. I consistently have to remind myself that my current writing is for my own healing and growth. It's teaching me to appreciate people's feedback without craving it. It's liberating me to be offensive. To say the wrong thing so that eventually, if and when I decide to say the right thing it will be because I am connecting with God, not chasing men."