Refund

Dear God,

Thanks for my wife. She's hot!

Cordially,

~ Matt

PS - How did you make her so perfect? I thought you always split up the good qualities among everybody. You clearly made an exception for Danielle. You gave her ALL the good qualities! Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful that you gave her to me. She's the best!

For example, she let me skip church the other week. And the week before. And possibly the one before that too. It was awesome! I think the best part was that she didn't make me feel dirty or shameful about it. It was weird. Usually I feel so much guilt about things like that. Realizing that she loves me anyway almost makes me want to go to church. Almost.

It did result in my attendance last week, so that's something. I was planning on taking full advantage of my new freedom to do the wrong thing when I saw her brushing her teeth and my heart melted. Two minutes later we were bounding out the door, hand in hand, on our way to the scariest place in the world. I survived, but only by using my secret escape route through the children's wing.

But sometimes her wonderfulness feels like it makes my horribleness even more pronounced. Like today when I was lying lazily on the couch and she was scurrying around preparing for our vacation. You'd think that her busyness would be enough to mobilize me, but you'd be wrong. And to top off her kindness she insisted on filling up the gas tank while I fooled around with my blog. I made a halfhearted effort to go instead, but ultimately asked her to grab me another soda on her way out.

I'm officially the worst husband ever. It's a good thing you don't have a return policy on these sorts of arrangements because I think she ought to have a refund.