Saturday, June 5, 2010
Ode to Approval
Dear Imaginary People That I Want To Impress,
I'm sorry I'm letting you down. I've tried so hard to make you happy. I just wanted you to like me. Will you please love me again?
Can you forgive me for starting this blog? I know you don't like it. I can see you frowning whenever I start typing. I feel you recoil when my bitterness spills out. You want me to soldier on don't you? You know it would be wiser for me to figure out these problems behind closed doors.
You kept warning me that I would ruin my future but I gave you the finger and wrote anyway. I wanted to impress you with my words but it kept getting harder to express myself, and with each bold statement I knew you were shaking your head in disapproval. Will you give me another chance if I try to write nicer things?
How did you manage to make me hate writing so quickly? Every blog I published I felt your coils tightening, creativity shrinking, fear of rejection growing. Being real started out fun. I blamed you for the pressure and wanted payback somehow. I thought that if I told the truth about my doubts and fears that I could break free from you and become myself.
I was wrong. I'm inextricably tied to you. I don't think anybody cares about you like I care. Normal people don't dream about you like I do. I'm in love with you even though I hate you sometimes. I can't be myself with you, but I can't live without you.
But if we must talk before you take me back, please tell me that you love me. Don't punish me with with your words, I'm too tender. I promise that someday I'll be fake again. I'll impress you with how strong and confident and perfect I can be. Just not today. Please not today.