Sunday, June 6, 2010
Forget everything I said yesterday. Last night I wanted you to take me back. This morning I don't. I stayed up late thinking about you and I have to say this before I lose my nerve.
I love it when you spend time with me. Nobody brightens my world quite like you do. With you there’s a tingle in the air! I’m floating on a cloud, buzzing like a drunk, high as a kite. But when you leave you never write or call. You take more tingles away than you ever bring with you. You leave me with this terrible hangover. It’s like anti-tingles.
So I’m left chasing you. And occasionally, right in the middle of my pursuit, I realize how foolish I look. Like at my sister’s party when I tried to impress the girls by pulling my legs over my head – except I farted mid-pull. Backfire! There were no swooning ladies that night. You didn’t show up like I wanted you to. Or the time when I peed my pants while standing at the urinal. Never mind about how, I don't know either. My point is that you weren't there for me.
Lately I’m realizing that for our relationship to continue I need you to be around at every moment. I miss you too much when you're gone. It's not normal. When you leave I forget about regular life until you come back. We can’t go on like this.
You'll never be around every day will you? I'd have to be perfect. There is nothing unconditional about you. You’re as reliable as a weather forecast. The fact is you can never love me! You just can’t. It’s impossible for you to look me in the eyes while I’m failing, hold my tear-stained cheeks in your hands, and tell me that you love me no matter what. Only a real live person can do that, and you’re no person.
But you feel much safer than a person. I don’t have to be weak with you, and I like that. Since you’re only around when I’m strong, I can always be strong for you. Sometimes I wonder if I could thrive without letting anyone in. Then everyone would only see my good qualities and you’d be inspired to stay forever. A constant high!
It’s so hard to be weak and vulnerable and ugly. I hate it so much. I feel so reject-able. But maybe the only way to receive love is to open up and let it in. Gosh, I hope not. How can I let love in when I’ve spent a lifetime deflecting it?
I don’t know. Maybe I never will. But one thing I do know is that you, Approval, can never fulfill me. I know I’ve got intimacy issues, but you can’t solve them. You’re a phantom. You’re a fake. You’re a mirage. You’re the magic spark, the chemistry connection, the endorphin high.
I was a fool for chasing you. I was a classic addict and you were my drug of choice. We need to break up, but I don’t know how. Do they have a rehab center for Approval Addicts? Do they have a shelter for battered men? I might need a rubber room and a straight jacket to escape from you.
Anyway, I’m not talking to you anymore. Just to prove it I’m going to church today and I’m going to let real live people love on me during the meet-and-greet time – no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. So there.