In My Dreams

Last night as I'm falling asleep I talk New York Knicks GM Donnie Walsh into signing me with the team. Since my height and basketball experience aren't really selling points I convince him that I could increase the team's winning percentage by 200% simply by practicing with them.

I sign for the rookie minimum contract of $473,604 but he owes me nothing if the Knicks fail to reach the playoffs. Also written into my contract is a clause where he must play me if we're behind by 20 points during the 4th quarter.

At the first practice the players laugh because I'm short, fat, and I suck, but by the end of the week I have a six pack and can dunk. I'm also a few inches taller.

Pretty soon I resolve a conflict between David Lee and Tracy McGrady with artful negotiation and superior people skills. Now the players trust me. We win a few hard fought games because our chemistry is on the rise and I'm cheering from the bench. We're undefeated, 5-0.

Then we face the Lakers and we're getting crushed. With 10:22 left in the 4th quarter Kobe swoops in for a dunk to make it 97-76. Coach Mike D'Antoni is contractually obligated to put me in the game.

I walk sheepishly onto the court, my over-sized uniform underscoring the fact that I'm a midget among giants. I give Kobe a menacing glare; tell him that I'm coming for him. He smirks.

Immediately I steal the ball and pass it down the court for an assist. I grab a bunch of rebounds, block a few shots, and throw up some alley-oops. We're back in the game. Then I start to take the shots. Fade-aways. Three pointers. Layups. Dunks. I can't miss. I'm shooting 100% from the field.

During one sequence Kobe elevates to shoot a three but I reject the shot so powerfully that it flies to the other end of the court and falls perfectly through the basket. Swish.

We end up winning 124-117. My stats include 20 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists, 5 steals, and 5 blocks. Symmetrical statistics. During the post game interviews I charm the reporters with my self deprecating humor and immediately become a media darling. We continue the season undefeated and I never miss a shot the entire year.

I have to miss Tuesday games though because I'm also competing on American Idol.